Film Review: A Minecraft Movie

Welcome back to the blog readers. There are three things in this life that are certain: death, taxes, and films based on video games being complete cheeks. Look at some of the infamous offenders: Warcraft, Assassin's Creed (both 2016), Super Mario Bros. (1993), the Resident Evil films (2002-16), and the Angry Birds films (2016-19). all of these films have one thing in common: they are panned by critics and fans alike and are almost never profitable. Would this film be able to turn around the fortune of the video game genre and be akin to The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023), The Last of Us (2023-), and Fallout (2024-)? Stick around to find out.

A Minecraft Movie was directed by Jared Hess from a screenplay by Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, Neil Widener, Gavin James, and Chris Galletta and a story by Bowman, Palmer, and Allison Schroeder, based on the video game Minecraft (2011) by Mojang Studios. The film stars Jack Black, Jason Momoa, Emma Myers, Danielle Brooks, Sebastian Hansen, Jennifer Coolidge, the voice of Rachel House, and Jermaine Clement. In the film, four misfits are transported to a cubic world that thrives on imagination, and must save it from destruction with the help of an expert crafter named Steve.

I may not have played Minecraft religiously like a lot of people have, but I have enjoyed what I have played. This film, however, did not look good from the minute I saw footage of it. I even questioned the premise of doing a film based on Minecraft when I heard the news because it was never going to capture the spirit of the game that is beloved by audiences. And every worry I had with this film was completely warranted because this film is horrible. Bad dialogue, over-the-top acting, a thin-as-paper story and unfunny comedy all combine into one stinking, steaming pile of donkey turd.

I have to start this evisceration with talking about the terrible acting that takes place in this film. The line delivery is over-the-top and unbearable at every point. Jack Black is trying his best to give life to this character but there is none to be found. Jason Momoa has completely lost me since he finished playing Aquaman, and this character that is supposed to be this tough guy but cowers at the first sight of danger comes off as unauthentic and bland to me. Danielle Brooks has been in Peacemaker (2022-) and The Color Purple (2023). What the fuck was she doing in a film like this? Her character was just as lifeless as all the others.

Next up on the chopping block is the absolutely horrendous dialogue. It took five people to write the screenplay for this film, and that is usually a very bad sign for the dialogue. That is 100% the case here, because the lines that are spoken are just vomit fuel. Plus, everything that happens in the film feels simple and convenient. I do not like at all when films try to be convenient because the audience never really has to think about anything. It is all tell and no show when it really should be the other way around. And I thought The Alto Knights (2025) had the worst script of the year. Holy shit, was this bad.

Now I have to talk about the paper-thin story that we are presented with. Minecraft is not a game where you have too much of a story to begin with, but the video game space is a lot different than the film space. You need a story that is going to captivate the audience and leave them with something memorable. This is absolutely not that at all. The story beats are convenient and make very little sense. The side plot with Black, Momoa, and Sebastian Hansen was basically pointless and added little to the story. But Jennifer Coolidge's side plot with the cubic creature that she hits with her car was completely useless and means absolutely fucking nothing to the overall story.

I do want to talk about one thing that I liked in regards to this film, and that has to do with the visual effects. Now again, I know I am not no expert in that field, especially when I thought Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes (2024) should win Best Visual Effects over Dune: Part Two (2024), but I did like what was done with the visuals. While the line delivery and the lines themselves and the story may have been horribly done, I do actually feel as if this world is lived in and believable. I feel as if the Overworld could be a real place. The design of all the characters in the Overworld were especially great, with the Creepers and Ender men being some of the better designs I saw in the film. I would see a sequel only to see what they do with the visuals.

I promise I am done shredding this film to pieces, but I would be remiss if I did not address what is happening inside of theaters showing this film. Listen, I can understand being excited to see a film and showing some emotion. Just look at the reactions to films like Avengers: Endgame (2019) and Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021). But what is happening in this film is absolutely disrespectful and it happened in my showing of this film. For those who don't know, teenage boys have infiltrated showings of this film and going absolutely berserk with cheers and applause at every other line that is said in the film. I can only hope that this is done in a mocking way, because this is not a good situation if it is serious. It has gotten so bad in theaters that police have been called to escort people out. And while this did happen in my screening, it was not nearly as bad as I have seen online. Popcorn being thrown across the stadium, cheering as if they are at a sporting event, it has been really bad. Whatever you do, DO NOT do this because you are ruining the experience for everybody else (even if those people did not like the film as I do)

In conclusion, A Minecraft Movie has to resort to mocking from teenage boys to save itself from a disjointed and soulless adaptation of a wildly popular video game. Thank you all for reading, and rest in power to Technoblade.