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Film Review: Madame Web

Welcome back to the blog readers. As you know, I am a big fan of superhero films, but a few of the more recent ones I have not been the biggest fan of. Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023) is the only superhero film I have ever been bored at. And Morbius (2022), oh let's talk about Morbius. One of the worst ever made. And with all of the negativity surrounding this film, I wanted to see if it was as bad as everyone made it out to be. Would I agree with the consensus? Stick around to find out.


Madame Web was directed by S.J. Clarkson from a screenply by Clarkson, Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, and Claire Parker and a story by Sazama, Sharpless, and Kerem Sanga. The film stars Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Tahar Rahim, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, and Adam Scott. In the film, Cassandra Webb must confront her past when she discovers a power buried deep inside of her, which coincides with having to protect three young girls from Ezekiel Sims, who wants to kill them before they kill him in the future.


Regarding the negativity surrounding the film, I was never really all too interested in the film anyways. And once the negative reception came out, it justified me not going to my local theater to see it. I recently caught it on Netflix just to see if it was as bad as people make it out to be. And I just want to say right now that I loved this film...when it ended. This might be on the level of Meg 2: The Trench (2023) in the camp of some of the worst films ever made. The dialog is absolutely atrocious, the performances are all dangerously mediocre (but the performance of Rahim is comically horrible), the story is stupid beyond stupid, and the action is lifeless and uninspired.


I first want to talk about the performances and how bad they are, but I do want to shout out Adam Scott for actually trying his best to salvage something about the bullshit he was given. But the performances of the rest of the cast are mind-bogglingly mediocre. Dakota Johnson was painfully and obviously bored with the material. Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, and Celeste O'Connor seem like they care a little more, but I believe even they are phoning it in. And that is sad, because I love Merced.


With that out of the way, I have to complain about the comically horrible performance of Tahar Rahim as Ezekiel Sims. In the 2 decades that I have seen films, I have never seen a performance as nauseating and pain-inducing than this one. There was no substance to his character, no depth, no complexity. It felt like a hollow shell of a performance. And don't even get me started on the ADR. I feel like most of the budget of this film went to redubbing 90% of his lines because he was clearly so uninspired during filming. This literally might be the worst performance I have ever seen; not just in a comic book film, but in a film period.


I could talk about how stupid, asinine, and condescending the story of the film is forever, but I promise to keep it brief and simple, almost like they did. And yes, I will be spoiling the film here. And no, I do not care. I'm doing this so you don't have to see this monstrosity. The first thing that pissed me off was when they would make an obvious reference to a known character in Spider-Man lore, but completely refused to name the character (like when Ben is talking to Cassie about seeing someone and he won't tell us who it is, or when Mary Parker was deciding on names for her baby BOY, but the actual name of the kid is never revealed, although we know it is Peter). I kept screaming at my television to just say the name of the person. This is an absolute embarrassment and an insulting of our intelligence as film fans.


Oh but I can go on. Shit happens in this film out of sheer convenience. Like when the surveillance technology Sims winds up getting is way too advanced for 2003, and there is no possible way that this technology could have scanned the faces of the three girls in Sims's visions and for him to get their names. That is another insult right there. Also the girls are written like actual teenagers, in that they are rebellious, reckless, and downright stupid, like in the way that they disobey Cassie and make a scene at the diner. Alright, I'll stop before this turns into a novel.


The script itself is horrendous, even worse than that of Morbius. The first mistake Sony made was actually HIRING THE WRITERS OF FUCKING MORBIUS TO WRITE THIS!!! Nobody liked Morbius's script, or the other films that they have done, like The Last Witch Hunter (2015), Dracula Untold (2014), and Gods of Egypt (2016), all of which I couldn't be bothered to see. The script is almost as bad, if not on the same level of shit, as the script for Meg 2: The Trench (which y'all should know by now I despise). Everything that was said was said with so little life and passion, and the words coming out of mouths (or the recording booth).


And finally, I will end this review with the utter humiliation that was the action. To be honest with you, there was none. It was just a whole lot of the characters running from Sims, and only a brief moment where the girls fight back. This was absolutely embarrassing for a comic book film, especially one that not many people had faith in to begin with. I apologize, but this might be the worst action film ever, and solely because there was little to no action.


To finally conclude my thoughts, Madame Web proves itself to be an unnecessary film with uninspired performances, a terrible story and script, and no action to speak of, cementing Madame Web's status as one of the worst films I have ever seen. Thank you all for reading, and I will see you for the next post.

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