Welcome back to the blog. I wanted to continue my look back at the year that came by talking about what I thought were the worst of the worst. So I present to you my picks for the Top 15 worst films of 2022. The year was chock full of some great films, but all good needs to have some bad to counteract it. Before I get into my list, I wanted to take a look at 2 films that weren't nearly as bad as the main 15, but I wanted to talk about them anyway.
NOTE: There will be no spoilers on any film that appears here, although I won't be held accountable for any profanity here. That's not my fault, it's the studios for greenlighting this shit.
Dishonorable Mentions
Black Adam
I can't lie to you guys, I do enjoy most films that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a part of. I found San Andreas fun, his turn in the Fast and Furious franchise was awesome and made it into the financial juggernaut it is today. But then you get some stinkers in the mix: you have a snooze fest in the boring Jungle Cruise, Rampage is kind of uninspired, and then we have Black Adam. The Rock's passion project, Black Adam was in development for over a decade. For years, we would hear him talk about how excited he was to play Teth-Adam. Then, years of stalling.
When we eventually got it in 2022, I couldn't have been more disappointed. Flat characters (with the exception of the Justice Society, I loved them) and a flat story bring this film down, although I did like the action. That probably prevented this film from being on my list. In conclusion, a middle-of-the-road film that will soon be forgotten.
Ticket to Paradise
What happens when you pair two legendary actors that happen to be best friends in real life for a romantic comedy? You get an unfunny, unlikeable helping of no.
Right from the start, this film tries very hard to force unfunny jokes down your throat. I found myself very upset by this whole experience because this film breaks the cardinal rule for a comedy: be funny. George Clooney and Julia Roberts are wasting their time here and I can't remember anyone else in it. Overall, very forgettable but not as bad as the other films here.
15. Orphan: First Kill
As stated in my best films list, horror films are great when done right. Clearly, that message never got to whoever came up with the idea of Orphan: First Kill. And I can't even figure out why this is credited as a horror film when it almost put me to sleep.
I never even saw the first Orphan film and after seeing this, I probably never will. The performances in it are stiff as hell and completely pointless. The scares aren't even "scary" and I'm left unsatisfied, and the plot is just stupid. However, the one thing that saves this film from being higher is the plot twist.
The plot twist admittedly prevents this film from being by-the-book predictable, and I will commend them for that. But why make this girl a psychopath? Why can't everything be nice?
14. Don't Worry Darling
I am becoming a major fan of Florence Pugh. From Fighting with My Family to her turn in the MCU as Yelena Belova to Little Women, she has natural talent and I wouldn't be surprised if she became the next Meryl Streep. I'm also a fan of Harry Styles and his music, although his turn in Nolan's Dunkirk and his brief cameo in Eternals isn't enough to convince me he can be a good actor.
I also was over-the-moon excited about this film from the release of the trailers. After it went to HBO Max, I gave it a try. And I ended up being baffled. How could a film that screamed Oscar darling (see what I did there?) be so disappointing? Could it be in the lackluster story (of which I kind of thought the twist was meh)? Or maybe was it because it ran a bit too long? I still haven't figured it out.
Although I did very much like the music and the performances of Pugh, Styles and Gemma Chan, it wasn't enough to keep me entertained. In fact, I was kind of bored. For a film with this much talent and promise, it's really sad what it turned into, especially with all the BTS (not the boy band) drama.
13. Amsterdam
What do these people have in common: Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Rami Malek, Chris Rock, Anya Taylor-Joy, Andrea Riseborough, Zoe Saldana, Mike Myers, Michael Shannon, Robert De Niro and Timothy Olyphant? They are at the pinnacle of the entertainment world and all decided to star in the snooze fest known as Amsterdam.
David O. Russell found a way to get the best of the best and bore the hell out of you. I was watching a scene that had Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Rami Malek and Anya Taylor-Joy in the same room and I literally felt nothing. How in the world is that possible?
It also took way too long for anything to happen, only picking up once Robert De Niro showed up, and I thought he'd have a smaller role than he did. Seeing him is always appreciated though, and his performance and that of the rest of the cast was the only real highlight of the film.
12. Beast
I very much like Idris Elba. The action star, the drama star, and my pick for the next Bond. However, I am more mixed on this one though, more so than I was when I saw it: a survival film called Beast.
This film only credits four people, but it feels like four too many. While Elba's performance is commendable, I didn't find myself believing in anyone else. I do like the few jump scares we are treated to. Everything else though falls flat and falls flat hard. The score is just okay and I don't really feel a lot of tension watching it.
So in the end, more disappointing than I thought it would be after giving it thought.
(One final note: nice cinematography by Philippe Rousselot.)
11. Moonfall
Sorry Ray Ora! Turns out your favorite film of the year is my number 11 worst. Hope there are no hard feelings!
Since I saw this in February 2022, I have had no idea what to think. Roland Emmerich's new disaster flick (or is it?) doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. After taking the time to think about it, I don't really like the film that much. I mean the disaster stuff is fine but it feels kind of derivative to stuff that has come before. (2012 anyone?)
Halle Berry looks like she's sleepwalking through this, Patrick Wilson is trying a bit too hard, but I did like John Bradley. (this was before I saw Game of Thrones in 2022) Also Donald Sutherland is in this? How'd he get here?
All in all, the nonsensical plot and the out of place characters make this one a major mess (and miss), one I hope doesn't get a sequel.
10. Barbarian
I had heard a small indie horror film called Barbarian was getting very good reviews. Then my mother, the horror enthusiast, was very interested in seeing it. So we made plans to go. Boy do I wish I could go back in time and prevent us from doing that.
Without a doubt in my mind, this film is not good at all. Contrary to what everyone else is saying, I cannot understand the rationale of doing this. It's only "scary" for about the first half hour, and the rest is just boring. The cut that happens at about that same time takes you out of it and it just feels like a fan fiction film.
I do like Justin Long in this role though, although not even he can save this film from itself. Bill Skarsgard is in it for only 20 minutes, and Georgina Campbell is fine. I just had a hard time understanding what the point was I guess.
This film clearly is not for everyone, and it clearly wasn't for me.
9. Violent Night
Have you ever wondered to yourself what would happen if Santa Claus was a warrior who killed people? I didn't, and now if you had that wet dream it has been fulfilled! Violent Night doesn't live up to its title, and is just plain dull.
David Harbour (who I happen to like very much) plays a violent Santa who has a unique backstory and has to go after a team of mercenaries who take a wealthy family hostage. You know, for something billed as an action comedy, it wasn't really that funny. But if I'm being honest, I do like Harbour in the role.
Everyone else in the cast comes off as unlikable and the action isn't even that great. I found myself cringing most of the time and I wanted to walk out. I knew something was up when even my mother liked it. (And she doesn't like much.)
This film is just a major waste of time and I hope a sequel doesn't happen. Please, for the love of all that we hold sacred in this world.
8. The Bubble
I'm not going to lie, I love satirical films. Films that can shit on how shitty we are as a society are A-Okay in my book. (A great modern example is the 2021 film Don't Look Up, which was my number 5 film of that year.) When they're good, they're good. When they're not, they're this.
The Bubble is a satirical look directed by Judd Apatow on how a film is made during the COVID-19 pandemic. I could have been all for it if it was actually good. Like I previously stated, the cardinal rule of a comedy is to be funny. Sadly, this film is the furthest thing from funny. It's actually sad. How could all of these A-list actors sign up for this?
Karen Gillan, Pedro Pascal, Leslie Mann (although she's in everything her husband directs), Fred Armisen, Keegan-Michael Key, David Duchovny, Kate McKinnon, and Iris Apatow all look like they're phoning their performances in, and the gross out humor is just gross. No out and no humor. Just bad.
7. The Gray Man
There are a lot of moving parts of this film that would make it much better than it is. Anthony and Joe Russo, the directors, spearheaded some of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's best and most profitable films. Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely wrote those films. The cast is phenomenal. But The Gray Man is boring. What the hell?
When I heard that Ryan Gosling would be playing a CIA agent on the run attempting to learn the truth, I got excited. Then Chris Evans came on board. And Ana de Armas. And Billy Bob Thornton. And then I saw the trailer. And then I saw the film. I did not care about a single character in this film. By the end, I was just rooting for everybody to die so this damn thing could be over.
The action, aside from like one or two set pieces, is completely dull. The story is cookie-cutter; I've seen this story a million times and there's nothing that differentiates it from other protagonist-turns-into-the-villain stories of the past. All in all, I am not happy a shared universe is happening and I hope it's DOA.
6. The Invitation
The worst thing a film can be is predictable. Unfortunately, that's The Invitation in spades. Nathalie Emmanuel plays a woman who finds out she has long-lost family in England and learns a dark secret about them.
Could you figure out what that secret was? I did, well before it was revealed, and it was not good. I could not believe how stale all the performances were and GoT made me a big fan of Emmanuel.
The scares aren't even scary and I found myself bored out of my mind. The ending is nonsensical and stupid. Everything about this film is just terrible, and I'm worse for having seen it. Man, horror sucked in 2022.
5. Prey for the Devil
Hey, look guys! Another horror film that was not good. What else did you expect? And by the way, this ain't the last one you'll see on here. Of course this one had to be a Christian think tank horror on how good being Christian is. I hate pandering like this, and this film is the definition of pandering.
I don't know a single person in the cast, and their meandering presence makes me angry. I could care less about the characters and it's a shame because buried deep within the shit, there is a message about trauma and it gets overshadowed. They all come off as annoying and stupid.
Again, I was more bored than scared and I didn't even understand the message. Who was this attempting to target? Devout Christians? Horror aficionados? Both of them? Someone else? I couldn't figure it out and I hate my mother for wanting to see this.
4. Where the Crawdads Sing
Ohhhhh, we're gonna have fun with this one! If you like this film, too bad. I'm about to roast the shit out of it.
I was never really interested in the film to begin with. Again, parents like the weirdest things. So I had no expectations going in. And listen, I'm all for seeing a new film knowing nothing about it. As long as you keep me intrigued, you'll keep me on board.
Unfortunately, I was bored within the first ten minutes. What also didn't help is the fact that I saw it at the same time Marvel was putting on their Comic-Con panel presentation, so they had lost me.
I guess Daisy Edgar-Jones had a fine performance, but everyone else was annoying and stupid. Why would David Strathairn join something like this? Was it the paycheck? Are you just trying new things? My guy, you gotta stop with this.
This film ran way too long and it was made to be more complicated than it needed to be. When it's not harkening back to other period dramas like To Kill a Mockingbird, it's boring me to tears, and this is a 125 minutes I will never get back.
3. Minions: The Rise of Gru
Let's get things straight: I don't hate animated films. I love films like Inside Out, Soul, the Toy Story films. They're all wonderful. But Minions: The Rise of Gru is a different type of animal. And not the fluffy, cuddly kind.
This film is absolutely horrible. There's no way around it. The Despicable Me franchise has been run into the ground with this abysmal film. It's not funny, it's not clever, it's not bright and sunny, it's just bad.
The voice acting is terrible. I hate Steve Carell's young Gru voice and the Minions just annoy the fuck out of me. Their incoherent, annoying babbling makes me want to kill myself out of frustration. And everyone else is so out of place. How can you afford Michelle Yeoh (who absolutely killed it in 2022 with Everything Everywhere All at Once), Alan Arkin, Taraji P. Henson, Lucy Lawless, Dolph Lundgren, the GOAT Danny Trejo, and Julie FUCKING Andrews and make something that is disgustingly horrible? The world may never know.
The animation is dated and there's just no bright spots, other than one Kiss joke that made me smirk. I hope future children are never subjected to this horrible, horrible piece of shit.
2. Morbius
I haven't been suffering from superhero film fatigue yet, and with what we have coming over the next 3 years, I'm in nerd heaven right now. There are some that aren't great and then there's Morbius. This film makes me want to be in nerd hell, or maybe just regular hell. Hell, I don't know. I had joked about this film in my top films of the year list, but the jokes just write themselves with this film.
This film is funny for all the wrong reasons. Jared Leto has proven he can be a dynamic actor when given the right material (Dallas Buyers Club and Requiem for a Dream), but when you have stuff like this and Suicide Squad, the jokes are bound to happen. His performance is comical, but not in a funny, humorous way. Adria Arjona (who I realized was in Andor after it ended, and which she was better in) phones in her performance, and the rest of the cast is just terrible. The only exception here I would say is Matt Smith, whose performance is good and not great. (He was wayyyyy better in House of the Dragon.)
The effects are simple but okay, and the story is just not there. I could literally go on forever about the post-credits scenes but in order to save you time, here are the cliff notes: THEY MAKE NO GOD DAMN SENSE!!! To make a long story short, this film sucks and I hope you stay as far away from it as possible. (Sorry, no more morbin' time for you!)
1. Halloween Ends
Were you wondering how Halloween ends? Well I'll tell you how it ends. We all die...of boredom.
Here we are: the pinnacle of pabulum, the greatest of gorge, and the official offal. The worst film of the year is Halloween Ends. I wish it had ended sooner, cause this is just awful. I have never seen a Halloween film in my life, and I'm all the worse for this one being my first.
My first complaint is with the story. You advertise this film to be about the final showdown between Laurie Strode and Michael Myers, and Michael is barely in the film. Then, you pivot and make the story about somebody new, mind you he apparently wasn't even in the other ones. And it's not even like there are a whole bunch of kills, at least not in the first hour or so of the film. And the final fight is just a major letdown (remember I'm a Halloween rookie) for what was billed as the "final showdown." Just atrocious.
I absolutely hated every single character in the film and nobody came off as genuine to me. Although I did like the first 5 minutes, it went downhill very fast. It played out more like a character drama then a slasher. And some slashers can be fun when they're not taken too seriously. The problem is, I can't take it serious even though it's trying to be, and it's not even good.
The music is fine and so is the cinematography. To end my thoughts, if you want some good cinema this year, go watch The Banshees of Inisherin, Elvis or even The Batman. I'm just waiting for them to give an excuse on how Michael comes back. Terrible.
So long story short, stay away from all this garbage. Unless you want to torture yourself I guess. Hell, it's not like I can stop you. Anyway, this was my list of the top 15 worst films of 2022. In the immortal words of Jon Schnepp: stay sweaty.
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